6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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