How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
