I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
