I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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