I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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