did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
