That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
