I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
