I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize