onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
