Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
