He asked to "fluff my boner.."
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize