I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
