a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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