there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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