My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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