We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
