I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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