I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
