I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
