I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
