yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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