and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
