i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
