I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
