why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
