I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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