tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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