i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize