my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We are two peas in an std pod
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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