Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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