I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize