im six kinds of drunk right now
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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