I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize