When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
