Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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