final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
