My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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