I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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