my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
