I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
