You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
