we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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