What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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