Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I love you.
Bad choice
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
