Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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