I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
