I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just invented taco cereal.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
