Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
