first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
