Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
