I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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