Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize