I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
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