I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
