does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
