apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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